Family can be an amazing source of help, support, and affection. They can help you get through the hard times and celebrate with you during the good times. However, they can also be a source of incredible stress. Family conflicts are unfortunately one of the biggest stressors out there, and this is particularly true during the major holidays such as Christmas and Thanksgiving. If you’re going to survive these encounters with your health intact, then you need to learn how to handle it when things go wrong, particularly if you have Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome (AFS).
If you have AFS then you may struggle to cope with stressful situations. Life is stressful enough even for healthy people, and the stress of family conflicts can make it even worse. Everyone’s body has a different capacity for coping with stress. This is determined by your NeuroEndoMetabolic (NEM) stress response, and when you reach your limit it can result in AFS. This occurs when the NEM stress response remains active for too long and causes the adrenal glands to become fatigued. The adrenals secrete cortisol, a hormone that is essential during times of stress and helps you to cope by protecting your body and keeping you alert. Continuous periods of stress causes the adrenals to become fatigued and the results can be catastrophic.
The adrenals are part of your cardionomic circuit, the neuroendocrine circuit that is also composed of the cardiovascular system (CVS) and the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The natural balance of this circuit can quickly become disrupted when you have AFS. When stress is mild, these systems are put on standby. But if the stress continues then the cortisol levels start to drop because of adrenal fatigue. As a result, these systems become active in the fight against the cause of the stress. There is also an increased dysregulation of the body functions as the adrenals continue to struggle and fail to keep up with the body’s demands for cortisol. This leads to many frightening issues such as anxiety, rapid heart rate, and insomnia. When the CVS gets affected, the symptoms become even more serious as the cardiac nodes are disrupted and cause problems with heart rate and blood pressure.
Unfortunately, family conflicts can be a major cause of this kind of stress. Everyone who’s had a big family get together only to collapse at the end of it knows that these situations can be absolutely exhausting. But for people with AFS, this kind of stress can be devastating and may result in adrenal exhaustion or crash, where the body has reached its limits and shuts down in order to heal. It is therefore very important that you avoid reaching this stage, because there is a risk of activating the other neuroendocrine circuits as well after family conflicts.
If you have AFS, then the Neuroaffect circuit can be seriously impacted by stress and family conflicts. This circuit includes the brain, the microbiome, and the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). When you have fights or disagreements with other people, it puts your body into ‘fight or flight’ mode, which is what the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) is designed to do. The SNS activates when stress is mild, but if you’re already under stress because of AFS, even the slightest amount of stress could activate the adrenomedullary hormonal system (AHS). This will release a neurotransmitter (NT) into your system called epinephrine, which will further burden the adrenal glands and increase their workload. This high level of adrenal exhaustion is harmful to the body and may be very dangerous.
There is no hormone to counter epinephrine. As a result, family conflicts could leave you feeling ‘wired but tired’, exhausted but unable to relax or sleep. And when you have AFS, the increasing imbalances in your Neuroaffective circuit coupled with the ongoing stress could make family conflicts, perilous to your mental, emotional, and physical health. This means it is crucial to find ways to avoid family conflicts in order to diminish the effects of stress on your body.
Every family is different and it is natural to have family conflicts. Even if family conflicts seem almost ridiculous, it is often unavoidable. Family conflicts are very common and happens in almost every family especially during annual holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. Anecdotal evidence shows that family conflicts are inevitable during these times because many family members are present and might indulge in drinking alcohol. Some of the following issues are key sources of trouble in a family:
It would be easier if you could just avoid all the people you disagree with, but the ties of family make things difficult. Instead, you need strategies to help you avoid family conflicts and keep your time with family friendly and loving.
Some level of disagreement between people is normal. You will never agree with everyone or get along with everyone. But if your family conflicts are increasing your stress levels, making family times uncomfortable, or making you think about canceling the holidays, here are things you can do that will help:
The way you think about things is pivotal in determining how you feel about it and to the outcome as well. That’s why you need to change how you think about your family conflicts. Instead of wondering if you can get along better with your family, focus on practical strategies for doing so. The question ‘what if’’ creates the idea of helplessness, of being a victim to unchangeable forces. Instead, focusing on ‘how to’ gives you the power and control on the situation. It encourages creative thinking. And you may just come up with a solution that works.
In family conflicts, everyone tends to yell, and nobody really hears anything. Even though it is very tempting to fall into this pattern, the truth is that you can’t yell at someone into agreeing with you. In fact, it will probably make them cling even harder to their opinion, even if all the facts prove them wrong. Instead, try listening. Ask them why they believe what they do. Ask them if they’re willing to listen to why you believe differently. And try to do all this with the intention of understanding, not persuading.
One of the best strategies to avoid family conflicts is to seek help. Enlisting other people can reduce the burden of doing tasks and creating a more peaceful environment. This will not work when conflicts are ongoing. Preparing in advance for example before big family holidays, helps. Include those people who are the worst offenders, the people who most often end up in conflicts. Try to avoid accusing someone in particular, instead present it as a problem that involves everyone.
Taking a break is another useful strategy during family conflicts. It will help you to reduce stress, which in turn would help you regain your hormonal balance. You can take a walk if you can, and convince the rest of the family as well, to burn off that excess energy.
If you really can’t agree with someone and it always leads to family conflicts, then set out rules for your interactions ahead of time. Make sure you work with other people to create these rules. For instance, if two people in your family are always accusing each other of wrongdoing, make a rule that blaming each other is not allowed. This will force them to find other ways of interacting with each other.
If certain topics are a regular cause for family conflicts, then it might be worth banning those topics during a family gathering. This may not be ideal, and possibly the last resort, but this strategy of banning the topic in advance, would maintain peace and calm during the holiday season. Avoiding a topic does not help heal and is a temporary solution but at least it will keep the stress levels down and your adrenal fatigue symptoms will not flare up.
If family conflicts are not resolved by the family members , you can always get an outside opinion. It is often difficult to be objective when it comes to family, and so seeking help from a professional counselor might be the best way forward. You can learn different strategies and get points of view that were not considered before.
It’s easy to focus on the bad when it comes to family times. Sometimes, all you see is stress, problems and family conflicts. This can increase your stress levels and affect your health. Replace the negative thoughts with feeling gratitude for what you have. Being positive will help you cope during the holidays and improve your health both mentally and physically.
Annual holidays should be a source of joy and happiness. Unfortunately, family conflicts can completely eliminate these positive feelings and make your holidays stressful and bad for your health. Incorporating coping strategies would help you immensely during these family gatherings and deal with family conflicts effectively. It will help you safeguard your health during these times and avoid any negative consequences for your AFS.
© Copyright 2020 Michael Lam, M.D. All Rights Reserved.
Holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving are supposed to be happy times and yet all too often they’re ruined by family conflicts. This can add to your stress and damage your health, which is why you need to have strategies in place to help you cope.
